Rain Cloud

I haven't been writing for a while, it's been a rough couple of months for me. Fall was really good but unfortunately didn't last long enough.  

like every winter-spring I'm struggling, but I got pretty sick a few months back and haven't been able to get back to "normal" I'm exhausted and can hardly stay out of bed for more than four hours. I had a really bad hormonal imbalance in October and that caused a lot of grief along with a new symptom in the form of a rash called perioral dermatitis, that is notoriously hard to treat and has been standing ground for months!! Check this bad boy out:  

And this is it looking much better... Yikes.  



I've never really had many problems in the way of skin, I had no idea how emotionally trying this kind of thing could be. Just another notch on my empathy belt. 

Also, I've been getting every cold that's going round, my eye twitch evolved into a feeling like someone is constantly pressing a thumb on my cheekbone and tugging on my lip. Weird and supremely annoying. The beaus lines I had in my one toenail for years has suddenly spread to all my nails on my right foot. I lost quite a bit of weight, I was at around 128 on the lower end 135 on the higher end and now I'm down to 116 which isn't all bad except I feel like shit and I can tell my very hard earned muscle mass is pretty much gone. The allodynia I had managed to reduce dramatically is back and my trigger point injections have been a lot more painful than recent times. 

On top of that and at the risk of sounding melodramatic, I've been feeling like a lot of people are abondoning me recently. Like people just don't know how to stand beside you when they don't need you anymore. It's disheartening to always be left. I'm also feeling like I don't know what people want, if I complain about an issue it's annoying to everyone, if I don't say anything than its not real. I just get to this point where I can't ask again and even when I do people aren't honest anyway so where do I go from there? I don't want to live in a bubble always protecting myself from everyone, but it's making me sick, where is the compassion, the consideration? I do my best not to impact anyone, I make myself as small as I can but that's not small enough. 

I'm a bit depressed, I'm sure you can see. It's tough feeling so isolated especially when you are isolating intentionally too. All I want, probably all anyone wants is to feel completely accepted for who I am, no doubts, no qualifications. Why do I have to continuously prove this thing? I don't want to, I want to forget about it and do my best to live, even if it's a fraction of normal, can't I just have that much?  

I've been reluctant to write because I feel a bit more gloomy than I'd like to be and I know this is a tough season for a lot of people and I don't want to seem ungrateful. There are so many things I am grateful for but this isn't the post for it. Next time, nothing but positivity.