Sometimes the more we try to be in control the less we are.
Almost all of you who suffer from Fibromyalgia experience bouts of insomnia if not constantly. Probably one of the most insanity inducing experiences of Fibromyalgia is Insomnia. When I first got sick this was my hallmark symptom the thing I noticed as being off first. I stopped sleeping and even when I did still I felt like I hadn't. I spent mind-numbing hours looking at the ceiling willing myself into oblivion and alternating between despair (begging) and outright hostility (wanting to punch anyone snoring in the face, yes this includes my dog!) I could feel sleep dancing away from me like if I could just grab hold of its ever wagging tail -bam! But no, the harder I tried the easier it shook me.
There's a breaking point for people when you could really loose your sanity if you don't get some sleep. Sleep is the body's way to reboot and repair the damage you did to it during the day, it's essential to life and energy and health and the kicker is that people with Fibromyalgia have really messed up sleep patterns, we have trouble reaching deep-wave restorative sleep patterns and often have micro arousal when we do reach it, basically rendering it moot.
So in moments of great distress we turn to sleep-aides; which help but make us dependent on them to get any sleep, which is kind of funny (not haha) because Fibromyalgia is greatly impacted by stress and what happens when doctors/pharmacists/insurance decides not to fill said prescription? Total flipping melt-down, probably my first ever anxiety attack, because if you need sleeping pills to sleep you WILL NOT be sleeping without them. Sorry Charlie not this night. Running out of sleep meds is more panic inducing than just about anything else.
Early on in my insomnia battle I tried everything: valerian, melatonin, meditation, concentration, hot baths, white noise or night sounds, I even bought a heart beat pillow to help soothe myself, the only thing that ever worked even a little was ambien. Say what you will I NEEDED it, frankly I might always.
Insomnia is really hard to handle and the more you try to "handle" it the less in control you feel. The thing that helped me the most initially was reading because it occupied the space in between, not only that but it gave me an escape from everything for a while too. All the sleep doctors will tell you that reading is a bad bedtime habit, but I'd think crazy is worse. At least I wasn't staring at the ceiling plotting ways to silence my husband or my dog, or at the very worst times, myself. (Too real? Too bad.)
The thing it's taken me almost a decade to realize is; I was never ever in control, it wasn't me failing to talk myself into sleep my nervous system is messed up and it's doing whatever the hell it wants. Sooo eff it! I decided that since I was not in control I would just learn to accept it as part of me, sometimes I don't sleep, sometimes I do. Now I sleep when I can, I don't set an alarm (mostly) I schedule all my doctors appointments and therapies for the afternoons and if I need to sleep until noon I do. It's not perfect I still hate watching my husband get up for work before I fall asleep, but it's a lot less agonizing. And aside from the people who will never understand who really cares? If you can let go of the idea that you must be productive before noon this might just work ok for you. I know of course this wouldn't be ok if I had to go to work by such and such a time, but ultimately it's one of the many deciding factors in why I quit working. I know not everyone has that option but it's what I needed in order to manage the overwhelming stress of not sleeping. Most jobs just don't allow that kind of flexibility and even normal people know how hard it is to go to work with zero sleep, and that's usually just one bad night, multiply that by forever and you might understand.
So now even though it's 3:30 A.M. and I actually have plans for tomorrow I'm not flipping out, I feel mostly ok with it, I still have my moments but it's not destroying my sanity. That is in my opinion a huge WIN!
So I guess my advice to you is if you can't control it don't waste your time trying. Think creatively and give yourself credit for accepting your new reality, that's kind of a big deal you know.