I've never been much of a drinker, part of it I'm sure was a fear that I might be like my mother. She is an addict/alcoholic. My entire life I just sort of refused anything on principle, I was always the designated sober person. Which sucked but I never liked feeling out of control. I waited until I was in college to have a proper drink. I recall the one and only time I ever got drunk enough to be sick. I was not gonna be one of those people who can get sick and go back to a party.
I remember having about half a beer and a shot of something when the room started to spin and well, you know. So I stumbled to my room in the hopes of laying down and righting the world. Turns out though that once I start getting sick I cannot stop. Hours and hours and hours. It made me very weary about crossing that line, especially if I was in public.
When I was little I had two really memorable boughts of stomach flu. One of those started at a friends birthday/slumber party. I was already on the outside of the group just barely cool enough to make it to the party and I had felt fine when I arrived. We each got to make our own pizza and about the time everyone was supposed to be getting in their pj's and sleeping bags (when the fun really starts) is when I got sick. It wasn't just a little bit gross- it was exorcism style gross, without any warning. Talk about spoiling the fun. So here's where any sane chaperon immediately calls said child's parents and eagerly sends them home right? Uh no. She refused to call my dad and instead opted for staying up with me all night to rush me to the toilet and clean up my messes. Everyone knows the first thing you want when you're sick is mommy or daddy and your own damn bed! Besides, Eeeeew and so not my child. I begged I pleaded and nothing. She said it was too late to call my dad, she didn't want to wake him up. She was bonkers. Seriously what parent would be ok with this? Yeah maybe if it was just once and I felt fine and was still running around the house, but not when blinking made you puke. My dad was not happy the next morning.
So not only am I not in my own bed but I'm ruining any chance of friendship with the "cool girls" and to top it all off her mom put me in a rocking recliner, so literally anytime it moved I yakked. At one painfully embarrassing and equally hilarious moment, her cat jumped up on me and I got sick all over her -who of course reacted like a cat and went screeching thought the house trailing bits of pizza and stomach lining with her. Fun night yeah?
So now I have this deep seeded need to be near MY comfort areas whenever I feel even the tiniest bit sick and I have a fear of puking. Awesome. But that is not even why I'm writing about drinking!
When I first started drinking I would have just enough to feel tipsy and call it quits, and I never really found any pleasure in drinking, in fact it was really uncomfortable. I assumed that was normal and that you had to get drunk to appreciate alcohol or maybe it was just mental for me. When my fibro came on drinking got a lot worse. I had always had weird sensations when drinking but now it's nearly impossible. Let me explain; my first sip of alcohol I feel this burning band form in the back of my neck right at the base of my skull and behind my jawline, I get this pressure sensation behind my eyes and start to feel fatigued (not sleepy -exhausted) my muscles get a sort of acidic feeling in them and start to get crampy and I get a dull hunger-like ache in my mid back that wraps around to my stomach which makes it hard to sit up straight. After a few drinks I'm in pretty bad pain and I just want to sleep. I also start to get big red blotches covering my face and neck and my ears burn hot, my eyes get bloodshot and I get shakes like I'm really cold. My hands, feet, and nose will be freezing while my face is sweating and I'm burning up. So I'm clenching my jaw to keep from clacking my teeth while acting like I'm on speed or something and it doesn't end there. For days or even a weeks after I drink I feel awful, one drink and I have flare-ups and feel like my fibro is completely out of control.
For a while I thought everyone felt the burning in the head/neck and the ache in their back. that was what alcohol was supposed to feel like right? You know how they always describe it in books, that burn down your throat and warmth in your gut. I assumed that was it and they were just being poetic about it. Turns out what I felt was not how most people experienced it. Who knew?
So I stopped drinking alcohol all together, I even avoided rum flavoring. For years now I have had not a drop to drink and that's been just fine by me. Sure it sucked to always be DD or the babysitter or just watching other people have a glass of wine with dinner, but I could do without feeling that way. There are a lot of things I'd give up to feel better, and have. Recently I felt put out by this intolerance, how nice it would be to have a drink with friends and numb just a little of this hurt I'm feeling. In a moment of rebellion I ordered a hard cider thinking maybe those reactions have passed, maybe I could have just one drink. I couldn't even tolerate one sip. I was sick for two days from that one sip, it was all I could do to beg out early and go home to bed. So I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that I am allergic to alchohol. I guess it's a good thing I never really liked it, but it's just another separation between me and healthy.
I think most of my friends have adjusted to it, but you'd be surprised how that can affect your social life. I know it always bothered my husband, he acted like it didn't but it made me stand out in his crowd and I know he thought it was just another way for me to be "different" and people don't really get it. They assume a lot of things when you say you don't drink. Am I pregnant, an alcoholic, a snob or uptight, an introvert or socially awkward? They try very hard to convince you that you could do it just this once! Come on relax, have a drink. It made me look ungracious and stand-offish to those who didn't understand. It was simply a choice. It also backed me into this weird corner, do I explain why I can't drink or just let them think what they want? I admit, I was never very good with that, I wanted people to understand I liked them and wanted to be there, I wasn't just being a jerk.
That's the reason why I always stopped to get a coffee when we would go out. It gave my empty hands an excuse and I didn't feel so left out. people are a little less inclined to shove drinks at you when your holding something, water doesn't work by the way. It has to look like fun, and people at least appreciate coffee. Plus vanilla lattes make me happy.
Some days I wish I could just go out and have a few drinks, stay out late eat whatever I want and be normal. I don't really want to be different. I know my husband thought I would try to be different for different sake but that was so far from true. My compulsion to explain myself, to make people understand I liked them despite my bitchy face, tiredness, intolerance to anything chemical and over-stimulating made me look that way. How do you do blend when everything hurts you? I want to be a part of your life, but if you fill your life with all the things that make my life worse how am I supposed to participate? I tried anyway, I will always try, maybe someday I'll figure it all out.