People keep asking me this. I can't fully answer that question except to say I am mad, but mostly I'm disappointed. I know I'm probably not feeling it fully, I've made a little box for it like I do because right now I have to survive and if I think about it too long I won't be able to do what I need to. I know that about myself, I am capable of freezing I've done it before. I'm afraid I'll give up.
I know you don't always get what you want, honestly my life has been a lesson in not getting it. But I thought the choice to marry was right. I still believe it, despite everything I believe he is capable of honoring his vows. He won't -but he is capable and he is a good person.
A while before all this I came across an astrology book that explained personality types. In an effort to start some communication, I told him about what it said about his sign. They were pretty accurate in my opinion. They explained his selfishness and his ego-centric nature, his stubbornness and drive to accomplish physical goals. They explained how they aren't philosophical but more task-oriented and that they see progress in action instead of dreaming but those tasks must benefit themselves in order to be viewed as worthwhile. It's why they have trouble with money as well, they like to spend it on themselves as much as they like to make it. They make very good workers and their rational thinking makes them unbiased leaders. They also explained how given the chance they can grow to be very compassionate and caring but they have to learn to communicate their feelings and learn not to stonewall which comes naturally to them if they find something un-fixable or un-worthy. He definitely had a problem with this and I thought if it was pointed out to him in this kind of way that maybe he'd start to talk with me, even if it was just a superficial conversation to start. Also, In the description they explained how people of his sign love passionately but burn too hot initially and are soon consumed. They burn out quickly, but not before giving the object of their affection a false sense of security and promise. They demand action, so often are hasty and opportunistic. He told me this weekend that the part of this horoscope about loving strongly but burning out resonated with him. It stuck with him and he thought about it a lot. I don't know if he recalls all the other information. I wonder if by telling him this I somehow gave him the permission he needed to say; see its not worth the fight, its simply in my nature to stop loving you.
The other reason why I can't get mad is because I know what that does to me. When I first got sick I got mad, so so so mad. I didn't know who was responsible, I blamed myself and the world and even my husband. I projected this feeling to everyone I knew, my friends, my family, they all felt it. It made me mean sometimes, unsympathetic, no-one knew what is was like, no-one had problems like me. Chronic illness/pain is not some rare disease and I am not the only person to deal with it. But I felt cut down before my time and just wanted to understand WHY! Like I was due something and I didn't get it and when that happened I hated everyone for not understanding how it affected me. But mostly I think I was embarrassed, I felt weak and worthless and pride can make you act like a dick sometimes. My husbands lack of empathy and understanding only reinforced my blown-out world view.
That anger, that hurt and grief consumed me for a while, it made everything great look like a slap in the face and everything good lost its flavor. I felt singled out and alone. I was always smoldering and quick to assign intentions. I don't like who I am when I'm angry. It turns me bitter and jaded and that is not who I really am. And sadly, it marks people. People remember you for that and they stop seeing anything but that. It's really hard to come back from that. Like pathological lying, people learn to distrust people who've lied, they practice it even. It's hard to fix that impression even if you have changed. To this day my husband thinks I'm angry and bitter because he stopped paying attention. He doesn't see all the good I've done, all the progress I have made. When I really started accepting that this was part of me I started shedding those feelings, I still struggle with feeling victimized but, I stopped beating everyone else up for that too. Too late, he had already checked out, and he was never around to see the difference, he has no idea who I have become and doesn't care to. I played a part in that, absolutely. I also tried everything to help him come back from that, he could have if he wanted to. What good does it do me to be angry? It won't change a damn thing, believe me if I thought he'd finally see me, fight for me if I just got angry, angry would have been first up.
It's not to say I have not ever gotten angry with this. He has left me to deal with the lions share of work to prepare the house, he makes promises to do things and bails the minute someone wants to do something or it would be nice to ride. He goes out every Saturday night now, makes a point of taking a shower and getting all dressed up and making sure I seem him before he goes. He also reached out to the one person I asked him not to the minute he asked for a divorce. That hurt so bad and it made me so angry, and even if I believe it's not romantic I still feel it was disrespectful and dishonest. Every time I think of it I just torture myself with why of it and at this point what does it matter? He is going to do what he wants and knowing those things, where he goes and who he is with, that's just hanging on to something I've already lost. The truth is; he eroded my trust in him and even though he may not see that or even care it is the most damaging thing you can do. He doesn't understand yet what a fool this makes him, maybe someday he will. He'll look back and say, I may not have loved her anymore, but she deserved my respect and I didn't give her that and that will be his burden not mine.
This post is highlighting the worst things you understand, it can't possibly give you a clear picture. It's the same reason I dislike Facebook or photographs, they seem like half-truths and they give others an inaccurate perspective of your life. It makes people always want more, different, new, better, next. The grass and all that.
It's also part of why I can't get really mad. He still shows me those glimpses of consideration I always mistook for compassion or even understanding, maybe they were real. I think they must have been at least part of the time. He still apologizes, he's always apologizing and I'm a sucker for it even when I barely believe him. That's an ugly side-effect of this, I no longer know what I believe, but I'm programmed for the benefit of the doubt and that's a hard habit to erase. In the beginning of our marriage he was the one who made me talk, he wouldn't let me sulk and be angry. He had this magnificent charm for apologizing, I had never ever met a man so willing to come back and say I'm sorry. I know he didn't always mean it but just the desire for conflict resolution made me awestruck. It was endearing and one of the things I loved about him, he was level headed and soothing. It's funny how those things were also part of the problem. He started pacifying instead of intending and he used his cool head to keep him out of conversation, all conversation. You could have a discussion with him and leave it realizing he never once directly answered your question.
So maybe I just haven't gotten mad yet because I can't move forward yet, and when it comes time to actually do the next thing I will need every bit of determination and mental capacity to do it, if I freeze this time I won't make it. We are still living in the same house together until this house sells, we still have to interact and that makes it impossible to fully grasp this situation. Maybe anger comes later, or maybe I've had enough experience with tragedy that anger is just fleeting. Maybe I'll always just be disappointed. I'm not ready to wish him happiness, but I won't play games. I'm not going to get all dressed up and pretend to do a thing he knows damn well I wouldn't just to get his attention or make him jealous, it would just make me feel worse when he acted unaffected anyway. I've been killing myself working in order to make this transition as short as possible, it's for my own sanity I do this definitely not my physical health or desire. It's funny that I didn't ask for this, I didn't want this and yet I am captain of this ship. It's not about acceptance or anger it's about distraction and survival. I'm terrified if I stop moving forward I won't move at all.