Rah Rah Ree, kick em in the knee! Rah Rah Rass....
Kick em in the other knee!
Sometimes this is what I think it's like to have chronic pain and be married... I love my husband he is an amazing guy but being amazing doesn't make our relationship perfect. Being in a relationship and having chronic pain is hard, it's hard for me and it's hard for him.
We have one of those marriages that people think of as idyllic, we met we fell in love quickly and deeply and we got married, we had the perfect blend of support and freedom, trust and communication, we weren't pressured to have babies or buy each other gifts, it was exactly as it should be except for one little problem... I was sick.
When we first started dating (back in 2005) I was 100% awesome, I was athletic and independent and had a career that paid more than him and no debt! Shortly after that I was in a motorcycle accident and I lacerated my knee, damaged my spine and broke my collar bone. That was the beginning you see; it took a long time to "heal" in fact, I never recovered. We didn't know why at the time, I never got my energy back, I started hurting everywhere, I got insomnia and started missing work which made me feel burnt out so I quit and went back to school thinking I needed a change. Four years later and massive student loan debt and still I couldn't hold on to a full-time job and things only got worse. I got my diagnosis mid-way through college, I should have probably seen the light then but I was determined to succeed... Determination isn't everything.
At first we said it's ok this will get better or go away, then we said it's ok we'll learn to manage this and you will still be able to work part-time, then we said it's ok I will stay home and work from there, then it was just stay at home and survive, I left a path of destruction in my wake. As much as I'd like to say our marriage only grew stronger because of our adversity that would be inaccurate.
We struggle with communication; he is not much of a talker and likes just the facts ma'am. I am more of an emotional gabber and I love theorizing. We have lots of misunderstandings about pain like when I try to explain a pain to him I try to relate it to another so that he might understand, which makes him feel like I am trying to make him suffer the same pain (a communication breakthrough I recently learned.)
I struggled with insecurities, and guilt for being sick and not being the wife he thought he'd have. He has a hard time understanding that grief, and being sympathetic.
He is extremely supportive with physical tasks but has a hard time with the emotional side of things, and while I know he believes me he doesn't really make any effort to be involved in anything or talk to me about it.
Marriage is hard enough when two people are perfectly healthy but when one partner is sick it makes everything unbalanced, especially when you haven't fully accepted your circumstance. It's a struggle to let go of the past for him and for me.
Sometimes I have to remember that this is just as hard on him as it is for me, he has to take on the sole responsibility of income, he no longer has a life mate because I can't do all the things I could before, which means a lot of isolation for me and reliance on him, and while every other one of the wives are mountain biking with their husbands I'm at best, sitting in the car reading.
It is a delicate balance trying to get what you need without burning out your spouse.
Add that to the statistics:
Divorce rate for marriage with chronic illness is 75% and men are 20% more likely to leave a woman than a woman to leave a man with the same illness. Also woman are the main demographic for chronic illness... So not good.
I love my husband but I know that he sometimes feels trapped and overwhelmed by my sickness, and I sometimes feel abandoned and lonely, there are ups a downs, mountains and valleys and I hope that we can learn how to give each other what we need and focus on what we can be together rather that what we aren't.
It's a long hard journey and I'm sharing this because I know I'm not the only one going through this.
We're having the hard talks; money, work, family, disability, sex, wants, needs and so on but that's just the beginning there is a lot of work to be done, a lot of growing up to do and compromises to be made but I think we are worth it.
I found this post written by a man whose wife has chronic pain, he gives some tips for how to cope with a spouse and chronic pain and I think he is my hero.
I thought for a long time that if I talked about my marriage that people would only see my side and judge my husband or that they would see us for our failures and doubt our strength together, but in this place with people who are suffering, I see it as a way to help myself, my marriage and my friends.
Cheers! To all the hell and happiness that is marriage!
To Er if you ever read this: Herrah, I love you.
Ps. You're still slow.