This is something I constantly struggle with, I tell me self in moments of positivity that I'm proud of myself for making it through everyday, I got out of bed Hooray! I put on pants Hooray! I made the hard choices and kept up on all the appointments and exercising despite my desire not to. The reality is that I'm not proud, I'm surviving but I'm not proud. I tell myself a little lie so I don't have to feel this shame, you know "fake it till you make it." Shame that I can't be who I used to be, that people see me as lazy or unmotivated or even uncaring, that I quit my job or went back to school and amounted massive debt just to stay at home, that I will never feel I am contributing equally to our marriage and likely will never have children. It's hard to feel proud when you are always disappointing expectations. I'm speaking honestly here, it's not about feeling sorry for myself although I admit to a probably healthy amount of that as well, I'm just talking about what most people with chronic illness feel, like they are less than or not productive to society.
I ask myself all the time why should I feel so shameful? I want to blame it all on society and unrealistic expectations and a lot of it I do, but most of it comes from my own inner demons, this isn't who I thought I'd be, I still grieve the person I used to be, everyday something reminds me, why is it that I can't shake it off? I AM NEVER GOING TO BE HER so why can't I just let her go? I'm attached to her, I cling to her hoping that she isn't a lost cause that someday this will all go away, it'll be like a bad dream and I'll forget what it was like to be in pain every minute of everyday, but that is not my reality.
Ive heard all the positive spins on accepting this lot and I know it could be worse sometimes I think it's not the pain and fatigue that gets to me most, it's the shame. This gnawing ever-present self-doubt that is reinforced by all the people saying oh if you'd just (insert shitty advice here) you'd feel better, and then kicking myself because I can't help but complain.
I've always been a pretty passive person, never much for conflict and even more so with those I love. Over the years I've told myself they are the ones that matter so I demand nothing, that's not to say I get nothing but that sometimes when I should, I let it go to easily because I don't feel entitled to it. I am sick though and I should be able to say so, to ask for help or to just say NO, I try never to use my sickness this way because people will inevitably say something insensitive like, all I am is my sickness, or that I use it as an excuse, and then I feel it, that gut wrenching shame.
The reality is this I am who I am, I am sick and I flawed for sure and I will never meet your expectations of me, I won't even meet my expectations of me and I'm trying to convince myself that's OK they were unrealistic anyway, well fine life be like a bowl full of Cherries!
Someday maybe.
http://www.cfidsselfhelp.org/library/seven-strategies-reducing-guilt