I had one of the moments today when I realized our minds work in totally bizarre ways and I wonder if in this way mine is not the "normal" point of view.
Something that has always baffled me was the idea of happiness. I consider myself a happy person, but maybe not in the way most people believe it. People have strange expectations of happiness. That happiness is some end goal to achieve and not just a spectrum of feeling.
People do this thing where they fake being happy, they guilt themselves for not being happy or for not projecting happy. I think that's ridiculous. How many relationships have been ruined or prolonged because someone pretended they were happy when they weren't? How many relationships have improved because they admitted their feelings and faced them? Why do people push for only happy feelings? If you felt happy all the time would you ever feel motivated to change anything, or to think differently?
I like to examine my feelings and to understand myself as a whole, not just happy. I watch people spending so much of their lives seeking happiness that they miss everything and rarely actually enjoy anything. It may appear to you that I am un-happy but that is not even close to the truth, I am very grateful for the things I have. I love all my little families and I show that by giving when I can to others and by striving to take care of myself. I will never fake it and I hope you understand that showing you my real emotions is an expression of love and trust.
I'm not good at masking emotion and that for me is a positive thing; I am personally addressing whatever feeling I am having and taking things as they come. Not trying to force a mental state of mind. I don't always like the way I feel, but I'm not holding onto it either, feelings come and go and I wouldn't even know what happy was if there wasn't a spectrum. I don't need someone to fix it. In fact, you can't, for me it's perfectly "normal". I have pain and exhaustion and with that inevitably comes a rollercoaster of emotion. With any life comes a rollercoaster of emotion!
So if you catch me grumbling or frowning, smiling or crying, know that it is not a permanent state of mind but the immediate expression of my thoughts. Which more often than not are actually quite positive. I am even being internally positive when I'm bitching about something, that's just a strange quirk of who I am. Everyone has a way of releasing their negative energy, my way is to acknowledge it and move forward and sometimes that comes flying out of my mouth.
Also, I love to cuss and I'm not sorry about that. Did you know that cussing allows you to handle pain better, longer? It's cathartic and protective and I will employ any method that allows me to handle my pain better. Don't get me wrong here- we are talking about the natural spectrum, and not a mood disorder. There are times when my nervous system is doing the talking for me and that is not ok, but it is a part of my syndrome and so, a part of me.
Emotions are meant to guide us and sometimes they can be wacky and irrational, but sometimes they are exactly what you need in that moment.
When I am sad I seek solitude and often it is much needed emotional rest I wouldn't otherwise allow myself.
When I am mad I seek answers or resolutions and I often look outside myself for understanding how.
When I am frustrated I seek action and I abandoned my comfort zones.
When I am lonely I seek comfort and interaction which helps me to feel connected and to connect others.
When I feel guilt I am motivated to change and I am a better person for it.
When I am happy I seek nothing.
It all makes sense, so why are we being institutionalized to believe the only good feeling is happiness? I am embracing my feelings and getting from them what I need. I don't give a damn about happiness because happiness isn't just one feeling but a collection of feelings; and that is living.