Sounds pretty silly right?
This is probably one of my biggest fears. The fear of success, not because I don't want success but because I'm terrified it's not real. One of the problems we face with chronic illness is the uncertainty, the unpredictability, and the illogical progression from one moment or day to the next.
People naturally assume that if they see improvement it means improvement and they can expect that to continue. We are often lulled into a false sense of security ourselves. But it's like the boy who cried wolf, you can only believe it so many times.
The thing I think I'm most afraid of is giving others the misconceptions of a good day. You know those days when you do more than you are normally capable of or the black circles under your eyes are gone, or you're not ow-ing every time you move. The good days. The good days make people forget you have bad days. And that's wonderful, except... the bad days come back and all they can see is the potential.
we have the undesirable job of having to prove our illness constantly, with doctors who want to run invasive and unnecessary tests because your symptoms don't make sense, or prescribe you drugs you don't need, or jobs that need to accommodate for your illness, or family and friends who have to pick up the slack. We aren't even talking about the pressure of proof for disability.
The affect this has on us is the fear of ever doing anything people might then perceive as a capability or even worse making them doubt our sickness/limitations in the first place. We start hoarding our good days, stop sharing them with others. We become introverts because to be extroverted means we have extra to give. We learn not to be overly optimistic so no one can hold it against us if it doesn't stick. We become scared. Scared that if we succeed, even for a moment we are setting an inescapable trap.
I have become uncomfortable with success.
I would love to tell you I have some great solution for overcoming this but the best I've come up with is explaining that fibromyalgia is not a straight line, it's one step forward and ten steps back, it's a series of chaotic, uncoordinated attacks. My job is to try even when I'm worried that I'm raising the bar of unattainable expectations. I like that quote in the Hunger Games: "Hope is the only thing stronger than fear. A little hope is effective. A lot of hope is dangerous." I know this is not the way it was meant but it feels appropriate anyhow. I will try because if I don't...
My goal is to truly embrace the good days and not worry about how long I get them for or who will be affected by it when they end.
I know some people will say I'm overly concerned about others but when others are the ones being capsized after you've rocked the boat you start to make choices that affect others as little as possible. Like not working because you are utterly unreliable, maybe if I could find a job that didn't care if I missed work or didn't get things done regularly. Sounds like a dream yeah?
I do have to say though that since I've begun surrounding myself with other fibro's it is so much easier to breathe and to know that my good days can be shared without fear.
If you have any good tips or tricks for overcoming this fear I'd love to see some comments!
The path of fibromyalgia.