I don't know why exactly but birthdays are the hardest for me, it's not about getting older it's about feeling important.
Que pity party:
I am a twin so I've had to share my birthday all my life. My twin and I are completely and utterly opposite, night and day, yin and yang, so when my sister's approach to birthdays was all out production; tiara, gifts, balloons, reminding people two weeks to two months ahead of time, naturally my reaction was to make as little of them as possible.
First let me start off by telling you my sister is a freak of nature; in the best possible way. She has a natural gift with people, they gravitate toward her. It's not just men either, it's everyone including babies and animals. (though admittedly they have fewer resources) I swear if I want something for free at a restaurant or a retail store all I have to do is bring my sister. She's a big deal and it never, ever fails. She's like flame for a moth they just can't help themselves.
All the better for me right? Well, not exactly, I'm not saying I don't have my charms but that was one gift I was never blessed with. Sometimes I would run little experiments just to see how invisible I could be. One time I went to a hardware store with her -if you know anything about my sister you will understand why this is funny- I pointedly asked a store clerk for information on a impact drill while she was off in lala pink hot pants land. The clerk came back and spoke to my sister (who looks absolutely nothing like me, so no chance for the mistaken identity excuse) who had to turn around and ask me what to ask him. So I do it again and I every time he came back it was to talk to my sister and she would turn around to talk to me like she was my interpreter (and I clearly didn't speak the language.) Or the ginger salmon at papadeux that is "not available for dinner" unless you're my sister. I mean I've gone to stores with her where I could have been a card carrying member and never gotten a discount, no frequent flyer miles. Nothing. She walks out with a fifty percent discount within 15 minutes, she didn't even make it through the isle. Don't get me started on free drinks, I wonder do the servers have to pay for all those meals they comp? WTF mate, where's my free drink?
The point of that little rant was that I made it ok to be invisible and I adopted the attitude that it just didn't matter, but later it became I just don't matter and I forgot how to make myself visible. I shrink so no one has to go out of their way for me, I think ultimately I was afraid that if I asked for attention I might not get it and that would be worse than anything.
So today was my birthday- and I felt sad. I have great friends and great family but I always feel sad on my birthday. I was trying to decide why exactly I felt so sad, and I realized it wasn't because I feel unloved, it's because I never feel important enough, special enough, and I realized this isn't just a feeling I have on my birthday, but I think I've always thought; this birthday would be the exception. Would a party, cake, candles, gifts, attention make the difference? Couldn't say. But ultimately I think the missing piece is my own.
Self-love, I think for too long I confused self-love with dignity/modesty, they are not the same thing. Dignity can shove it, sometimes we need to pat ourselves on the back and MAKE everyone see how important we are. How could I not see what my sister was doing all those years? It wasn't ego it was self-preservation.
I AM AWESOME and I should never forget that.
Happy Birthday to myself.